Here I Am

I have bipolar disorder. There, I said it. And here I am sharing for the first time with mostly total strangers the true story of how hard I have struggled all my life with a troubled mind I have no real control over. I never quite know each morning as I wake what state of mind will dominate my being this day or how I will cope, but I get through each one with my head held high. The winds of confusion may blow in my face but I keep walking on to the dawn and the light of a new day.

I’m grateful that I understand what is going on and that knowledge helps me rationalize the sometimes disturbing thoughts that cloud my consciousness. A voice from deep inside tells me not to worry, protects me with the power of my will, and I push forward knowing any feeling that may drag me down will not last. The passage out of the dark always shows itself if you know where to look.

We all have demons and angels inside us battling for control of our lives, though some may choose not to see them. I’m not hallucinating, I’m just alluding to the idea of good and bad we all have inside us. It’s up to each of us to push aside what we see as demons and allow the angels to dominate our being. With the power of reasoning we live atop the evolutionary scale, at least on this planet, and can judge what we should do with our time here to be the best person we can be even if that may not be as perfect as we would like.

Finding my place in this world would be hard enough without an albatross around my neck, but there it hangs. Pulling my head down with it’s weight it can be a trial to see where I’m going. I walk through the storm of despair at times, never seeing the roses of this world while falling prey to the thorns. And yet the feeling doesn’t last forever. I can push it aside in time with the help of the angel inside.

There is no potion, no magic pill to rid me of this curse. No amount of talking with this person or that removes the spell I am under. The door to my promised land is painted with a belief in myself, an undying fortitude that comes from my heart and all I hold dear. I know I will never be free of this stain on my psyche, but I can live with that. It could be worse.

Each night I close my eyes I see a better place on my horizon. Not a perfect vision of a dreamlike state but a hope of a simpler life with less to distract me. A place where I can put myself first and spend more time with the things that make me happy like playing with my dog or writing and posting pictures to this blog. With the angels in me keeping the demons at bay I will make the best of the time I have left in this world and be the best person I can be.

The wise man said just walk this way
To the dawn of the light
The wind will blow into your face
As the years pass you by

Hear this voice from deep inside
It’s the call of your heart
Close your eyes and you will find
The passage out of the dark

Here I am
Will you send me an angel?
Here I am
In the land of the morning star

The wise man said just find your place
In the eye of the storm
Seek the roses along the way
Just beware of the thorns

Here I am
Will you send me an angel?
Here I am
In the land of the morning star

The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself

Hear this voice from deep inside
It’s the call of your heart
Close your eyes and you will find
The way out of the dark

[4x]
Here I am
Will you send me an angel?
Here I am
In the land of the morning star

6 thoughts on “Here I Am

  1. …and yetyou keep holding a job instead of sitting on your keister and collecting a check in the mail while blaming the world for what you don’t have. Sometime, try doing a mash-up of REO songs… “Keep Pushin'” & “Only the Strong Survive” & see what you end up with!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, there you are, sharing your vulnerability and true self. At the end of the day the most important thing is to know yourself, accept yourself and love yourself, warts, angels, demons and all. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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