Holding Back The Years

It’s funny how some things make us perceive life a certain way, and then something happens and you can turn 180 degrees and start down another path at the drop of a hat. Is that indecisiveness or just grasping at straws? Is it a desperate change with the hope of some mysterious ending that will lead to all your dreams come true, or is it just simply desperate? Or is it that you finally stop kidding yourself and step back for a clearer view and come to the realization of what you are really missing in this life?

I have had grandiose schemes and plans throughout my life that led nowhere, ill fated dreams from a crazy mind clouded with the ideals of others sometimes forced upon me by those I loved and trusted. Did they have good intentions with their forceful intent? Yes I do believe they did, at least the ones I have loved. But many of us fall victim to those with only their own warped desires when we were vulnerable and weak, the results of which leave lasting scars on us that will never fully heal. We simply box them up in a safe place to be opened and looked at on occasion to help keep the demons at bay. Perspective is everything and this method works for me as I now have control over the pain, it no longer controls me.

Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long, the underlying want of acceptance from my peers, I now realize just how futile that need is. In a world of ever increasing self centered drama reinforced by social media I have come full circle back to the feelings I had in the past. I don’t follow the social norms and feel no kinship with modern society as a whole. I feel I should have been born a century sooner than I was, born to an age so much more simple and kind. Demanding on one hand and so rewarding with the other, people lived much simpler albeit shorter lives by the sweat of their brow, their calloused hands showing the signs of their toil. Though many suffered of things long gone in the modern day they held their heads high with the pride of having been the sole provider for their families, a good father or mother raising children that were ready for the trials of life. I think I know where I am heading, I think I always was though I couldn’t see the path for the trees.

I have a chance to escape from all I’ve known, a chance to be good with a vision of a better way. I don’t see a future here in the US for me. I will never have enough money to secure my future, never will I live any semblance of the dream I have held onto for so long. Freedom to me is a simple existence unencumbered by the drudgery of stores and parking, endless traffic and obnoxious people. American society has devolved into a morass of intertwined and sometimes dueling moralities that I neither follow or agree with, and if you don’t pick a side you will be cancelled or disallowed to be part of any group. You find yourself floating between the spaces left by the warring factions of societal miasma and you cant seem to scrub off the dirt. I wish to come clean and wash away all of the past. A new beginning.

Years ago I considered moving to a different country to remove myself from what I feel is a never ending litany of self absorbed trash and ideals and go where I could live simply and quietly. I considered New Zealand, but again I will never have the money for that. I then found a group of people who had moved to the Philippines. Such a simple life away from the demands of this group or that in a society that values the family above all else. In the US my social security would barely keep me fed and housed, but in the Philippines I would be close to rich. I could live a wonderful life away from any city for very little money and be happy. If I work very hard over the next few years I could retire there and find the peace and solace I have longed for my entire adult life.

For now I’ll keep holding on. Holding on to my sooner or later, hoping for the arms of mater. I’ve wasted all those tears, wasted all of those years, but something has the chance to be good, and I know if I try it could.

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that’s gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I’ve known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah, oh

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
So tight

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could, oh, yeah
Oh…

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That’s all I have today
It’s all I have to say

4 thoughts on “Holding Back The Years

  1. Careful! Parts of the Philippines are not as stable as they seem. Make sure you are not chasing another “greener grass” mirage. The “Insta/Face/Twit” crowd makes great mirages.

    Liked by 1 person

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